so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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