Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
