Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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