Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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