i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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