Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize