When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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