Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
