I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
