I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My penis needs a shock collar
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
