Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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