if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
