Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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