Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i will never coherently bang her
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
