I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
jump out the window naked night went bad
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