i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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