i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
