someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
