I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
