I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize