the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
