I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
