We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
