he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
