we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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