I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
