My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
