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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
