as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
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As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
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Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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