I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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