fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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