I hope mine doesn't look like that
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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