Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
