Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
