He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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