dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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