i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
