just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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