What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
