she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
