I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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