so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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