I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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