You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
