I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
