I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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