Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
