I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
