I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
