Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
