i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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