Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
