i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
