hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
