Who wears a wallet chain?!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
