I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
