I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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