I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
